December 9, 2011 – Interview with Alec Baldwin
GURU BERNIE; “When you went berserk on that plane, what on earth were you thinking, you raging monkey man?
ALEC BALDWIN; “I’m so sorry my Guru. I accidentally sat on my mantra and broke it.”
November 15, 2013 – Interview with Miley Cyrus
GURU BERNIE; “Miley, why do you shake your bootie like that? It makes all the young boys here have premature genuflections?”
MILEY CYRUS; “My Guru. It is not to be sexy, it is a great exercise for keeping a young girl, eating too much junk food on tour, regular.”
January 23, 2014 – Interview with Wolf Blitzer
GURU BERNIE; “Mr. Wolfman, you are becoming such an old bearded fogey. Why are you so Jewish when the rest of the world is an oyster for you to shuck?”
WOLF BLIZTER; “My Guru, I can’t help myself. I’m trying so hard to be more of a Goy and be open to other influences, but you haven’t met my mother.”
February 6, 2014 – Interview with Jay Leno
GURU BERNIE; “My Mr. Big Chin, what is it like to be out of work tomorrow, after all this time? What are you going to do with the rest of your life? It’s going to take you at least 3 years to count all your money.”
JAY LENO; “My Guru, as one of your disciples, I think I should go sit on a mountain and stick pins in a Jimmy Fallon voodoo doll.”
THE STORY OF GURU BERNIE
Guru Bernie’s real name was originally Bernard Green. He owned a garment business in New York. During a spring dress convention in Cleveland, he burned incense for the first time and became immediately enlightened. He first levitated during a Ravi Shankar concert in Munich. He stayed in Munich and founded his first Ashram known as “Der Bernie Platz.”
Bernie’s following doubled when he uttered his first profundity, “Air conditioning is cool.” His book, “Om For Dummies” was on the best sellers list in Calcutta for 12 years. He has recently opened a chain of health food restaurants known as “Bernie’s New Deli’s”
Below you will find “The Wisodm Of Guru Bernie”, which might change you life forever, or maybe not. Also below, you’ll find the transcript of the Guru’s spiritual message before a huge crowd at “The Santa Barbara Vegetarian Bar-B-Q, and Naked Hug Festival”.
The Guru will continue to bring his message to you via this site, and remember… when attending a Guru Bernie meeting, there’s free beer, free love and all you can eat Zuccini.
INSPIRATIONAL SAYINGS OF GURU BERNIE
Guru Bernie says: “If the shoe fits, throw it!”
Guru Bernie says: “If a smile is your umbrella, don’t live in a rain forest.”
Guru Bernis says: “When in doubt you may be right.”
Guru Bernie says: “When drinking a good Bordeaux, make sure the vintage is as least as old as you are.”
Guru Bernie says: “When driving under the influence, make sure it’s not booze, but a good woman.”
Guru Bernie says: “If love conquers all, how did we get Hitler?”
Guru Bernie says: If you are a Gemini, when you look over your shoulder, there you are!”
Guru Bernie says: When returning presents remember the people who gave them to you haven’t a clue who the hell you are.”
Guru Bernie says: “There’s more to life than money and sex…but without one of them, it’s hard to get the other.”
Guru Bernie says: “Polish jokes are cruel and unkind until you’ve tried Polish food…then you’re excused.”
Guru Bernie says: “A bird in the bush makes a lot of noise…so take her into the motel room.”
Guru Bernis says: “If diamonds are a girl’s best friend…wait until she’s a woman and buy her rhinestones.”
Guru Bernie says: “Living the good life is boring…so live the bad life.”
Guru Bernie says: “To stay out of trouble…don’t get high in a low rent district.”
Guru Bernie says: “People shouldn’t throw glass when stoned in houses.”
Guru Bernie says: “Buying Chinese products is not economical because an hour later you always want to buy something else.”
Guru Bernie says: “If you don’t know about Rap music…stay away. You may be hipping when you should be hopping.”
Guru Bernie says: “If you’re getting urgent calls from your successful stock broker son…see if he’s still in the country?”
Guru Bernie says: “Charity begins in the home…but don’t make too heavy a donation to the redecorating.”
Guru Bernie says: “As you approach the middle of your life…it’s hard to stop your middle from growing!”
Guru Bernie says: “Long lasting relationships rely on a lot of give and take-out.”
Guru Bernie says: “When your eyes are bigger than your stomach…you’ve had enough lypo-suction.
Guru Bernie says: ” People who get expensive tattoos on their butts have to sit on their assets.”
REPRINT OF A GURU BERNIE LECTURE
“Thank you my wonderful friends and allies in spirit. Welcome to this gathering. May your sweet natures be mingled with the blessings of all prayers ever uttered by all people…or just a few…if you think the “all people” line is too much.
Your Guru’s message of complete freedom from guilt provides for you to make any response you feel like, as we haven’t any control over you. I am, however, always gratified to see such a wide variety of like minded colorfully clad, mellowed out, revisionists gathered together in one place without seating. Our dirt floor beckons the believers in finding some comfort in the earth, as it is in heaven.
This will be a great event…we are privileged to have lived “long” enough to fulfill the purpose of being around “long” enough to arrive here. This is a vision of the future and it’s all about religious freedom and a way to make anything you believe in, work for you.
As on becomes more aware of the electric atmosphere presently amongst us tonight, it is plain to see that what ever we are doing together in this big tent is working. We are the future, and your Guru is the portal to a new way to face mortality. I can tell that the other person in all of us…the one living just beneath our skin, is coming out through our pores now and starting to scare the be-Jesus out of us!!
This is part of my basic philosophy…it’s all about the other “you…” this version persona of you is asking the key questions of the “you” you, and this “you” doesn’t like to face you!
This does not have to be clear to you at this time, as long as it is clear to the other “you”! Remember, this is the future and we don’t know a hell of a lot about it.
Do we really want to release the hidden truths we know about ourselves. I see a truth coming out of that lady dressed as a woodland nymph in row three.
Do we want to face the truths we hide and shrink from? And is it because we think these thruths are something a “nice person” like you or I should be thinking? Yes…I can feel you feeling that!
Am I right dear beloved enlightened ones? On yes, I feel it…listen to the energies and the vibrations of the music of ex-Eagles guitar player Don Felder covering us with it’s message of love and openess. (PEACEFUL GUITAR MUSIC)
Come on out…the real you!! We are all your friends here!!! We will hold your hand or any other part of you that isn’t going to make you have a cow!!
We will be with you… I know one thing my fellow travelers in the Universe…Don Felder came here to this peaceful energized movement because he was really pissed off about being fired by The Eagles. He wanted to lose his anger and his guilt, and he wanted to know if we knew any really nasty lawyers who could sue the rest of the Eagles’ lousy uptight musician’s asses for him.
I asked Don two questions:
1. Don, how many millions of dollars to you have?
2. Are you willing to spend a great deal of it on those lawyers?
After he gave me his answers…I was able to explain to him that lengthy law suits employing lawyers and their ego-maniacal rock star clients are a waste of hard earned money.
I showed Don a little of our basic Guru Bernie philosophy and introduced him to the “thonged-aqua-anger-management-therapy-girls”. It was then, in our “pool of shimmering gratification”, that he decided to spend his money on a really worthwhile cause… HE CHOSE TO SPEND IT WITH YOUR GURU TO FIND OUT HOW TO BEGIN TO LOSE GUILT!! (Loud cheering and yeah, yeah cried)
Yes, it was time to show him something to free his soul from touring with major drugs, compliant groupies and constant over the top adulation…For he found out, my exquisite ones, that giving up money and losing guilt…becoming naked in your mind, and then naked in your tent, is righteous beyond belief. Praise be to the air we breathe!!